Asleep
by Elodie J
Summary: Kurogane, if he wasn't pretending to be asleep, would have scowled.


_**Title:**__ Asleep  
__**Words: **__2,311  
__**When:**__ Set in Shara, just before being sucked into battle. (Hence, they can still understand each other.)  
__**Summary:**_ _Kurogane, if he wasn't pretending to be asleep, would have scowled.  
__**Notes: **__Oi. To clarify, I really do love this little horror. (Abuse is just how I show my love. Swear.) I just want it to be better, because I know it can be. And the griping about the ending came about because I liked the original ending, but this version I felt like I BSed. (Out of five days, I spent about twenty minutes on the ending.) So I'm confident, don't worry!_

It's a quiet night in Shara Country. The moon shines brightly through the clouds, casting eerie shadows down on the shrine's large courtyard. A soft, cool breeze blows through the garden, rustling the plants like waves on the ocean. Overall, it's a calming sight, one which should have lulled every person in the palace to sleep.

But Kurogane never sleeps.

With good reasons, of course. He always has reasons: They're in a new world. He has to share a room with that idiot mage. It's too noisy out. That white meat bun is talking to the air. (Kurogane has a stinking suspicion that the Witch knows more than she should about their adventures.) Fai is being stupid. That kid was up late, reading. The princess isn't feeling well.

And then there're those footsteps. They're light, airy, and he knows exactly who they belong to. It isn't Sakura's tentative footfall, Mokona's bouncing, or that kid's heavy-footed, sleepy stumbling. No, this is more like someone trying his damnedest not to wake someone else, despite their ulterior motives. He knows why they're there, and he's not looking forward to them stopping.

_Damn. Not again, not tonight. I'm tired! _If only his mouth would work. He's in a cursing mood, too. _Mage, if I ever get my hands on my sword I can _guarantee_ you'll never go home, dammit..._

The familiar plop of Fai falling over his own feet nearly makes him smirk. Nearly. He isn't going to give up the sleepy act anytime soon.

"Kurii, are you awake?" Fai doesn't shake him as he usually does. He doesn't touch Kurogane, his traveling companion - his closest companion (more? Not even in his most pleasant dreams) - at all. He only stares holes into the back of Kurogane's head.

As if in response, Kurogane rolls over on his other side, as if to stare down the pale-faced magician beside his bed. But he won't open his eyes, hoping to convince Fai that he is, for once, sleeping. Tries to ignore the annoyance away. Just because they're on better terms now, doesn't mean he wants the mage bothering him when he's trying to rest.

"Good, 'cause otherwise I might just have to put this thing off again. I really am sorry about the past few weeks, but you're such a light sleeper."

Kurogane, if he wasn't pretending to be asleep, would have scowled. What did that idiot expect from a man whose entire life depended on being absolutely aware twenty-four seven?

Fai shifts a little, suddenly self conscious. "I mean, I didn't want to wake you up, really. I haven't been sleeping, though I'm pretty sure you've no sympathy for the sleepless, considering your own sleeping patterns, Kuro-tan." Fai laughs, but it's strange; forced, tired, and certainly not smiling.

"You know how it is. I'm not lying about that though, the nightmares. They are real - much too real. I hate going to sleep because I know what I'm going to have to face. To relive. I work so hard to keep the show up and running, to pretend that I'm not a dirty, filthy liar. I work so hard to make sure that my perfect façade never falls, to keep the past at bay. But I'm running, Kuro-Kuro, and he's catching up. Ashura will find me, and it won't end well for the children - or for you. You don't even know what I've been through to deserve this, despite the fact you've pieced me together better than anyone ever has. You know what I am, somehow. I've never told anyone, but you know. How do you do it? How have you gotten through my defenses?" The magician stares at the dim outline of the swordsman's face, as if expecting to find an answer in the darkness.

Kurogane is genuinely surprised. Fai never, ever talks about his past, even as vaguely as this. It's an unspoken rule for the magician; any attempts at getting him to open up invariably end in a change of subject or some form of idiotic teasing. Even in the aftermath of a particularly bad nightmare, Fai never actually told the ninja what had caused him so much pain. If only the mage would bother to make sense every now and then.

He's also intrigued, actually interested in knowing what this is leading up to, despite his annoyance at the fact that Fai didn't really need to bother him at the most ungodly hours for the past week. (As if he would admit to anyone, even himself, that he really didn't mind soothing the magician after a particularly bad nightmare, cuddling until he fell asleep again, that he – god forbid – enjoyed it, even.)

"I'm starting to get off topic now, aren't I? My past is definitely not the reason I'm talking to a sleeping man at one in the morning. You get little enough sleep already, insomniac. I suppose I'm just trying to put _this thing_ off." Fai pauses, slightly worried, doubts creeping through the cracks in his perpetual confident, arrogant, happy pretense. "You are asleep, aren't you?"

Kurogane's mind is racing, trying to figure out what Fai could mean by _this thing_. He's already ruled out the possibility of Fai being drunk. They've always got alcohol with them, generally sake, but Kurogane knows that's not it. (The ninja practically lives off of the stuff.) Kurogane would be able smell the alcohol on his breath anyways, and the mage wouldn't even be coherent if he was, probably meowing through his monologue.

Silence, apparently, is answer enough.

"Okay. Alright." One deep breath, two shaking hands, and three long seconds of anticipation. "You're asleep. I can do this. You're asleep, for god's sake!"

Fai mumbles a bit, clears his throat. Inhales deeply, braces himself. "Kurogane, I... I love you. I hate you for it, too. Guess that makes me a stupid mage again, right?"

Kurogane doesn't say a word. He's paralyzed, barely breathing. His mind races, processing Fai's last words.

Fai laughs that emotionless laugh again. "God, I wish I could stop. It's breaking me into a million pieces. I'm trying so hard to quit, attempting to distance us. We're getting close, and I can't let that happen. Nothing good ever comes from being associated with me, and I'm not going to let you throw everything away just because you got stuck traveling with me. I've got to stop this. Stop myself before I'm too far gone. But you know what? I'll tell you a secret." Fai bends over, his face so close to the ninja's that his breath tickles Kurogane's cheek. "It's not working."

Kurogane is terribly occupied with controlling his breathing. He can't let Fai know that he knows, that his heart is about to beat its way out of his ribcage, that the mage doesn't even know what stupid things he's saying.

Fai sits up again, contorting his face in anguish. "I love everything about you. I never wanted to get this close. I crossed the line, and I wish I could regret it, but I can't. I think you're breaking my heart."

His hands are shaking even worse now; his breathing is short and he's close to a panic attack. "I love you so much. I don't know how I'm ever going to tell you. If I'm ever going to tell you. I had a hard enough time doing this just now. Somehow I don't think you feel the same."

Nervously, he puts one hand on either side of Kurogane's motionless body. He's gotten it over with, but he knows he's going to have to do it all over again. He studies Kurogane's peaceful face for a moment before leaning in to kiss his forehead.

In that same moment, Kurogane decides that, screw it, he _is_ going to give that stupid mage a piece of his mind, leaning his head up and opening his eyes, intending to argue. Instead, their lips collide, leaving them to stare into the other's eyes. Fai's arms tremble violently before they collapse, leaving him paralyzed on Kurogane's chest. Instinctively, Kurogane sits up, gently, and wraps his arms around Fai, propping him up.

Making sure the magician can sit on his own, Kurogane stands. "Don't move. Just sit there, or lay down if you'd like. Just don't leave."

Fai is too shocked to do much of anything. He stares straight at the wall, playing with the thick blanket on the bed, almost like a nervous tick.

"I'll be right back." Kurogane leaves, sneaking softly down the stairs.

Fai is confused. He runs the scene over and over in his head, trying to figure out what exactly happened. It's like he's in another nightmare, only this time he's sure he's awake. It would have been better if Kurogane had yelled, shouted – anything but this. If Kurogane did yell, then at least Fai would know what was going on inside the ninja's head. But now... now, he's acting like Fai, holding everything in and hiding.

Kurogane returns, shutting the door quietly so as not to startle the mage any more than he already has. He offers Fai a tall glass of liquid – presumably alcohol. "Here you go. Drink this – it'll help your nerves," he barks softly, torn between concern and his stubbornly obstinate nature.

Fai stares at the cup, wondering what he's supposed to do with it for a moment. He's still not quite functioning properly. After a pause, he blinks slowly and accepts the drink, sipping the strong liquid slowly.

Kurogane stares at him for a moment before taking a seat on the bed next to Fai. He stares at the magician, but Fai only looks down into his cup, pointedly ignoring the ninja's stare. They keep their distance, neither quite yet willing to break the wall Fai had so carefully built up and that Kurogane had carefully begun to break down. Kurogane is reluctant to hurt the mage, and Fai is still unwilling to let him help, despite everything.

_Some things are better left unsaid._

It's a struggle, each sifting through words that don't quite fit, trying to say what they so desperately need to get across. Minutes pass, both fidgeting uncomfortably. They know it's coming, the wall won't last – but a tiny part wishes it would.

_But you've got to say something now, because it did happen. Because it exists, you've got to acknowledge that._

Oddly, ironically, it's Fai who speaks first, voice trembling, so softly that Kurogane strains to listen. "Kurogane, I'm sorry." Fai stares at the floor. He looks like he's been to hell and back, as if the very strain of talking is tearing him apart. "I'm so –"

Kurogane cuts him off, whipping around to finally look at the mage. "You've got nothing to be sorry about. If you feel that way, then you do. I don't see why you've got to apologize for that."

"But you don't –"

He fumes, wanting to shout, or throw his hands up in the air. "Shut the hell up already and listen to me, alright? I'm not done talking, so shut up, drink your sake, and let me say what I need to."

Fai slumps slightly, breathing deeply and trying to get rid of the tension that's built up between his shoulder blades.

Kurogane speaks quietly, but his voice is filled with pent-up intensity. "I don't care about what you think I think of you because there's no way you know for sure what's going on inside my head. Of all people, you should understand that. I know how you feel, and I really don't care about your doubts or insecurities or whatever the hell your problem is at the moment. I don't care because..."

He grabs Fai's shoulders, turning the smaller blonde man towards him, forcing him to make eye contact. "Look, idiot, I'm only going to say this once, so you better listen up. I don't mind that much when you wake me up in the middle of the night. I don't mind having to deal with your nightmares. I enjoy traveling with you – even if you are an idiot mage," he tacked on, giving way to habit. "And I certainly don't mind it being just you and me here, without that kid or the princess, and especially that white manjuu bun."

Fai's eyes are searching for any sign of a lie, wildly unbelieving. But Kurogane is serious; he won't look away.

"You're not joking," he says, stating the obvious. A ridiculous grin creeps over his face, a feeling of relief, happiness, and maybe even victory replacing the fear and dread. "You are absolutely, totally serious."

Kurogane lets Fai go, relaxing himself, allowing a small smirk. "Yeah, well. Since when did I crack jokes all the time?"

Fai smiles – genuinely, for once – before being pinned to the bed by Kurogane. "You!" is all that he manages before Kurogane rolls on top of him, stunning him into silence for half a second and nearly squashing the lanky blonde. "What was that?" he gasps, breathing deeply as is possible when there's two hundred pounds of pure muscle sitting on your chest.

Kurogane rolls again, this time off of and away from Fai, slipping under the warm comforter. "I'm going back to sleep, you stupid mage."

"Aw, Kuro-tan needs his beauty sleep. How cute!" Fai giggles, letting the conversation drift into an oddly comfortable, companionable silence.

He waits a full minute before slipping under the covers himself. Gradually, he snuggles closer to the ninja, almost shy after the last turn of events. Tentatively, he wraps his arms around Kurogane's waist (after quadruple-checking to make sure that, yes, the spiky-haired ninja was definitely asleep and therefore was not going to murder him).

Fai would bet everything he owned that when he sighed and snuggled into Kurogane's back that he heard a low, soft, "idiot mage."


End file.
